Courage to Continue
How do you find the courage to continue when you don’t know if you have any strength left? I asked myself this as I lay on the floor in my office, my head throbbing, my body weak because I can’t force myself to eat enough calories to keep up with the expenditures I’m going through. I’m not intentionally starving myself (of food… human contact maybe), it’s just supremely difficult to fuel your body after hiking 80 miles, adding CrossFit, and BJJ and somehow not having an appetite. Or forcing yourself to eat and trying to not gag while doing it… never thought I’d be gagging trying to eat a Poptart… can’t wait to tell my eating disorder therapist I’ve finally conquered my fear of binge eating poptarts and traded it for finding them repulsive lol.
Then it occurred to me as I rubbed my thighs out on the floor after an early morning Crossfit session. As my legs began to buckle under 20 reps of squats in a row, I dug down mentally into everything I had left. I barely made it… my legs shook and my clothes were saturated with sweat. I’ve felt a little insecure while starting Crossfit again, as I always thought I was physically strong. I’ve been finding myself humbled by my age, inspired by those around me, and realizing I’m setting myself up for failure. As I walked away I told myself that if only I had eaten breakfast that morning (instead of a spoonful of cottage cheese) I could have the energy to make it through this. I am not nourishing myself.
If only I had the fuel?
It’s easy to feel good when your bills are paid, your relationship are good, and your belly is full… it’s easy to push then. That idea came from this motivational video I used to watch religiously since 2020 (https://youtu.be/26U_seo0a1g?si=k00jWeGKE1DrZq4U ). I think I’ve watched it well over 200 times since then… and listened to it tonight as I got up from the floor, shoved food in my mouth, and went for a walk. The evening air felt clearer… crisp… the sunset memorizing…
I guess that’s how it is with life when it gets so heavy, and mine feels like this cross I’m carrying is beyond anything I am strong enough to carry any longer. But what if I had fuel? What if I was consuming human connections with my friends and loved ones? What if I was filling my day with mindfulness, mediations, and esteemable acts? I know I had mentioned previously that friends are great, but that’s not how you build self-esteem… but connection breeds healing. The right connections that is. This is why I love my BJJ family I’ve formed over the last 6.5 years… there is something about being with people who are all collectively trying to suck a little less at something everyday that fosters an unshakable bond.
Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future. Who you surround yourself with is the most important decision in your life. They will either drag you down with them or lift you up.
Maybe I need to be brave enough to know I can’t do it alone. That I don’t have to suffer in silence and carry it all myself. Maybe I need the courage to let go of things that no longer serve me and burdens that are unnecessary.
Just like hiking 80 miles, I had to remove the unnecessary items from my pack that were weighing it down. As I’ve said before, hikers pack their fears (whichever thing they’re afraid of encountering out in the woods whether it be medical, fire, food, shelter, etc.). Maybe I’ve been packing my fears… losing people, disappointing people… these are just too damn heavy to carry right now. The bravest thing I can do is let go and save myself… because I love myself.
Courage is moral strength… the strength to do something not out of the absence of fear, but despite fear. And maybe the foundation of that courage is found in the company I surround myself with.
My friends… who encourage me to be better every day.
My friends… who work hard on themselves to be better too.
My family… who love me unconditionally.
My work… which has so much meaning and purpose.
You see, facing the hard things has already brought courage in me, and in doing so I know my purpose. Because it takes courage to hold someone as they cry in your arms after we pulled their loved ones body out of the water… or courage to tell your friends that they are hurting themselves… or courage to forgive when someone hurts you… or courage to say “this is beyond what I am capable of giving at this moment and I need help.”
So I know I have the courage to continue. I know that fire must be fueled by the ones I bring into my life.
I had hit a wall. My spirit began to buckle… and with it all of the insecurities I’ve ever held spilled out of me. And as I looked at the mess that expelled from me, I gave myself grace that I deserve… because I am a human… and I have come so far in the years since I re-named this “The Axios Collective” and plastered “I am worthy” all over everything. I didn’t believe it in myself then, I was faking it until I made it… but I’ve made it. I know my worth more than I know anything else in this world. It’s the thing I feel the most sure about.
Letting go was a release. I dropped the weight and shook out my soul. With that, the evening air felt so much more surreal… and gratitude washed over me.
I’m not quitting, I’m simply taking a rest round before I put my crown back on.
