Going Feral

I’ve taken a huge break from this page for almost half a year, ever since Mishka died. I haven’t stopped writing because of her loss, but rather the loss of having any free time or muse to do so. Truthfully, I’ve been so slammed with work, starting a new company, search and rescue, jiu jitsu, climbing, maintaining a household, and just trying to be present in my relationship. Whatever free time I do have I have prioritized for my family and my partner.

I’ve sat, staring at this computer screen for months not sure about what to write about or where to go. My previous chapter of my life is over, and I had grown so damn tired of clinging to that “heart break hero” identity that I’ve been inundated with an eagerness to re-brand myself and this project. I’ve thought long and hard about where I want The Axios Collective to go, and after much meditation and time away I think I’ve realized where we go from here: back to adventure and pushing the boundaries of what I think I am capable of.

With that in mind, I started “Project Iron Armadillo,” in hopes to build the adventure vehicle I always wanted. Last year, when I had no home of my own, I tried in vain to obtain an RV to travel the country in. Supply chain issues made that impossible, but although my adventure vehicle was out of reach my desires to travel and live primitively never subsided. If anything, it increased after I was able to establish a homestead in Houston. It started as a scratch in the back of my head… a small idea that kept persisting until it spread into every waking thought I had. I need to get out… I need to travel… I need to see the world. The difference now though is I have a loving and supporting partner who equally wants these things (both for herself and together).

Megan and I have been doing a great bit of traveling these past few months, going on trips to Cancun (which I’ll blog about later) and South Padre Island. We’ve pushed our boundaries in Cancun, trying new experiences and daring off the beaten path that most tourists do. Megan’s gone on solo trips to Grand Teton, and I’ve done a handful of adventures around Texas that were search and rescue related but it hasn’t been enough. I need more. The day we got back from camping near Austin I was already planning my next outing.

Project Iron Armadillo was to take my existing Toyota Tacoma and making it an overlanding vehicle. The catch though (there’s two) that it had to be cost effective as to not exceed what an RV would cost and I had to be creative with continued supply chain shortages. Going the overland vehicle route was also the smarter choice as everything can be re-sold for relatively the same amount of money I purchased it for and the vehicle will allow me to go for longer duration deployments for search and rescue (because nobody ever gets lost 30 minutes away… it’s always 1.5 to 4 hours away). It also had to be modular enough to be able to return my truck to an actual truck when I need it to be. Finally, it had to be big enough to include Megan as well since we both have the need for adventure… plus our dog since he’s basically our furry child.

But now I’m down for ankle surgery. After dropping a dirtbike on my leg 4 years ago, two of my ligaments had tears creating long term pain. For years I ran through the pain, knowing that if I ever got a second opinion on it which would result in surgery that I’d never be able to join the military. It was a ticking time bomb… and opting for surgery resulted in me giving up the last shred of hope that I’d salvage something out of my chaotic military journey (the flying option was long gone). Saying “yes, let’s overhaul my ankle” was basically me saying “I am choosing this knowing that I will NEVER join the military in any capacity.” Surprisingly, that decision didn’t sting as much as I thought it would. Guess I spent the entire year and a half being that dream repeatedly dashed that I became immune to it hurting me.

Prior to me going down for surgery, I had one last hurrah in the woods before I’d be boot-bound for six weeks. After assembling most of the Iron Armadillo, I did a solo trip into the Houston woods to test everything I had thought out… and I knew that this was the best decision.

Prior to I had been anxious and in my thoughts. Megan, noticing my increased home-boundedness and lack of desire, pushed me to get out on my own. After a year together, she can already sense when I need to get out and be myself… and I love that so much about her, that she pushes me to go out and be me without guilting me for not being around. It’s a breath of fresh air.

There is something about camping solo that is good for my soul. Out there in the woods, I don’t have to worry about anything. I don’t have a house to clean, just a campsite to set up which is a ritualistic pleasure to do. Out there I don’t have to answer emails… make power points… attend trainings… get stuck in meetings… talk to people… text people… answer phone calls… I don’t have to do any of that. After hours of phone calls and emails the last thing I ever want to do is be around people… even talk to people. It’s a paradox that many people don’t understand that I’m an extrovert that doesn’t like to talk… and if you push me to talk I talk even less.

I NEED that solitude… and anyone who has ever been a friend of mine for a long enough period of time knows that I need and appreciate those in my life who give me space to recharge. They know that I’m not a talker… or a great texter… and they give me no pressure to be that. Out there in the woods, I can be that… I can turn off the world and all it’s bullshit. Block out the annoying politics that people obsess about on the internet. Block all the negativity of people complaining just to complain. Block out the bullshit consumerism that plagues social media. Block out the plastic facades that people plaster all over their social media platforms to pretend that people have their shit together.

Out there, I am alone and answer to no one but myself… and I love it. My truck has always been the only space that is truly ever mine, as I wrote about before in a previous blog “The Modern Day Oregon Trail.” I drove to Baja in back in that… New Mexico, Arizona, and Texas several times and back. I’ve slept in the snow in that truck. Slept several places actually. What more of a fitting place for my adventures to take me to next than behind the wheel of my Tacoma?

So sit back and enjoy the ride we’re about to go on, because these next few blogs are going to be about living a feral life.