An Answer

Tears of frustration welled in my eyes. Days ago I had broken my phone, but that made me feel little to nothing as I am financially well off to throw money at the solution. Instead, I’m pacing in my office, so consumed with the fact that the customer service rep isn’t understanding why I’m upset that the repairman didn’t show up to their appointment. This is not a show stopper… my phone still works (it’s just covered in a spiderweb of cracks on the screen) but because of this misunderstanding I can’t focus on my work project that I wanted completed by the end of the day. The misty eyes aren’t from not getting my phone fixed, they’re because I can’t will myself to let that go and return my focus on something I personally wanted done: my work project.
I’m upset at myself because I once again can’t focus.
When I first penned this blog post, I originally named it “My Terrible Secret” but that would already paint you all the picture that what I am about to tell you is somehow negative, or something to be ashamed about. Although I have shrouded this with self-imposed shame, I am learning that it’s really nothing to be ashamed of… it can be seen as a super power of sorts, so long as I keep it in check… otherwise it’ll plunge my life into chaos. Instead, I consider this “an answer” to a question I’ve been trying to figure out for the better part of this year (and beyond!) which once you know it then EVERYTHING about me and this journey makes sense.

I’ve always been this way, ever since I can remember. It feels normal to me, so when folks point out my erred thinking and patterns as “abnormal” I’m usually taken aback by it. I can exercise a great degree of self awareness when it comes to many things in my life. When I get sad, I can usually point to what it is. Same when I get anxious. This is because those two moods are fairly out of my daily baseline, so when I deviate from them I can see the cause and effect. But what if your daily baseline was your inability to focus, sustain effort, and curb impulsivity?

The criticisms hammer instead my head from past lovers, teachers, friends, and co-workers:

• “You had trouble with even the simplest tasks! I take pride in keeping my home clean, I don’t need praise to do basic things like the dishes…”

• “Get out of cartoon land…” (someone wrote in my 7th grade year book).

• “Anything that required you to be present. Staying present in our life was something you had trouble doing”

• “Your mom was right. You have an insatiable need for attention!”

• “How the fuck you were going to make it in the military without being the constant center of attention.”

• “Are we still on this?” (friends referring to whatever think I am hyperfocused on).

• “You’ll sit there and rant all day to other people, but when you get home and I ask how your day is I get 2-3 word sentences..”

Each criticism is just as sharp now as it was when the person delivered it. I take great pride in having a clean home, in fact, I clean my home daily (I can’t focus if there are dishes in the sink). Cartoon land, and whatever creative outlet, has allowed me to become extremely adaptive and think of creative solutions in my adult life. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t like being the center of attention, or any attention rather. I find myself constantly in the center by happenstance… a product of being very lively and funny.

Those who’ve been around me my whole life would describe me as a very kind, sincere, and intense person who is smart and giving. I’ve also been called “extra” which is slang for being “over the top, dramatic, and excessive,” (kind of like creating a blog to rant about my heart break, self discovery, and adventures… oof, lol). I habitually stick my foot in my mouth though, especially when tempers are high and my impulse control is low. Sometimes, I go 100% on things like the time I made an study basket for this girl I had feelings for (uhg…). Sometimes I haphazardly bounce into other peoples boundaries.

I feel like I am juggling plates of champagne while walking a tight rope. That’s exactly how I envision myself. I feel at any moment I’m going to lose all of it trying to divide my attention, then the imposter will be revealed. In fact, this is EXACTLY why me and many others suffer from Imposter Syndrome: it’s the result of ADHD.

“And this is the case with so many people who have ADD. They are very likable, although they get into the most difficult of patches. They can be exasperating in the extreme but they can also be unusually empathetic, intuitive, and compassionate, as if in that tangled brain circuitry there is a special capacity to see into people and situations,” (Hallowell, E.M & Ratey, J.J. 2011).

Impulsivity issues, sustaining effort, daydreaming, people pleasing… all things I’ve struggled with since I was a child. It wasn’t until my world got rocked last year that we saw just how bad it could get, as my ability to cope was depleted. It’s weird to me, that in this journey to figure out why I people please that THIS was the root cause.

Another way someone else described it is that it’s watching TV and someone is changing the channel constantly. Yes, I have achieved so much in my 33 years on this earth, but I still feel like I have failed to do so much. I constantly feel like I am a truck in mud, spinning my tires and getting only minimal traction. I put so much effort into things that it’s baffling that I ONLY have made it this far. It’s frustrating. People only see everything I have achieved and don’t realize how many things I’ve fallen short on or struggled with.

Since getting support and doing research on the subject, I’ve come to learn it’s different in women then it is in men. I used to compare my behavior to that of my older brother, who has had it since childhood. I thought that because I wasn’t bouncing off the walls or failing school (like other kids, not my brother) that I didn’t have it. This, of course, isn’t true… I spent all of my K-12 years barely doing homework, day dreaming all day, and making cartoons. It wasn’t until college that I actually gave an effort on things, and that effort was fueled by a need to tell the naysayers in my life to suck it.

“Linnie has a really good imagination, although we kind of wish it wasn’t always about ‘The Lion King’” I read in my first grade teacher’s assessment of me. I had found my student file my senior year while sneaking around in the guidance counselors files. I kind of wish I would have obtained that file so I could get clues into who I was as a kid.

The first realization that I might have ADD was when I was working my first aerospace job. I was having so much trouble sustaining effort in going through this Industrial Hygiene course the company sent me to. I had a year to complete it, but anything that is self-paced I am horrible at following through on. Friends would jokingly tell me I had ADD; I would ask myself if it’s true, but then turn around and tell myself that I’m self-diagnosing and making an excuse for character flaws. “I’m just immature…” I’d tell myself.

For years, my ADHD wrecked havoc on my relationships. I remember telling my ex-husband, many years ago, that I think I had “maladaptive daydreaming” because I’ve been lost in my daydreams for as long as I can remember. My ex husband would constantly complain that I’d never talk to him. He’d get frustrated because I’d tell one person a story, but get closed off when it came to telling him the same stories. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to him, but I was excruciating to have to repeat myself. His method of story telling also took too long, which is no fault to his own, which would drive me up the wall with frustration.

My other ex was also frustrated with me. She’d constantly question my maturity on matters around the house, especially when I’d get upset about them. I often found that she couldn’t see or appreciate the little things I did like cleaning, laundry, the dishes, etc. which I felt like I was doing more of than my actual job. Whenever I’d feel like I wasn’t appreciated, it’d be throw back in my face. Defeated, I’d grow resentful because she couldn’t see the Herculean effort it took for me to DO seemingly simple things; how doing these things constantly ate up any remaining focus I had for other efforts. My resentment was seen as “not appreciating the life I had,” and to some degree it felt that way for me too, but the root of all of it was me not feeling like I was being seen. Do I blame her? No… because I couldn’t “see” me either.

It still stings… just like the comments I got when I was in my teens and twenties do… and I’m not weak or immature for still feeling the sting of it all.

People pleasing has always been my core wound, and in trying to figure out WHY I do it (see previous blogs) I stumbled upon the unknown affects of those who have ADHD. It’s not always lack of focus, bouncing off the walls, and ridiculous spending… it’s also rejection sensitivity dysphoria, anxiety, adjustment disorder, or even depression… all of which have been things I was diagnosed with previously throughout adulthood. Could they have just been a symptom of this greater issue all along? Is this just how my brain works?

Segway time! As I write this, this is a prime example of just how my brain works. I’m suppose to be doing other things right now, but here I am pouring out my thoughts. Even the layout of how I write is scattered… with tangents here and there, and nothing looping them together. This is why I’ve preferred typing to hand writing in a journal… hand writing requires you to stick with one train of thought until completion… typing lets me “chunk it” here and there until I have to sew it all together.

My ADHD manifest itself in really weird ways. For example, I’ll leave mail stacked on my table for months (I LITERALLY just opened up letters from August… it’s January). Medical bills and important tax information often slip by; I’ve accidentally put myself into collections TWICE because I simply couldn’t bring myself to open the mail (I promptly apologized and paid the amount off in full seeing as I had the money all along, I just brain farted on paying it). I forget log ins, birthdays, anniversaries… if it’s not in my work calendar it’s not happening.

Clothes have always been naggingly uncomfortable for me, a fact that would drive my mom nuts as the moment I’d get into the house I strip. My bra band is too wet, the button on my pants rubs weird, I don’t like the seem line in my inner arm… you name it, the slightest annoyance becomes unbearable and takes all my focus away. Pokey tags, stickers, binding material… doesn’t matter, it bores into my skull.

Amazon Alexa has been a life saver for me. Utilizing Alexa and Siri, I can set reminders for myself the moment a thought pops up. I live and die by my work calendar, or else I’ll forget everything. All my bills have to be on autopay. I would write my rent check to my ex, weeks in advance, just so I wouldn’t forget it. Admittedly I forgot to give my friends rent a few times when living with them.

I find myself mindlessly scrolling on social media, getting dopamine highs with every like and every message, which is one reason why I deleted my social media recently so I could re-focus.

I hijack conversations and sometimes experience “diarrhea of the mouth” where I dominate the whole convo.

Sometimes, I forget to eat.

Other times, I eat way too much… which is why I gained 110lbs.

But as I said before, nobody looks at my failures, they only see my triumphs. In this regard, they lack the understanding of what I’m struggling with in private. Do you know….

• I dropped out of Fresno State within days of getting there because it was overwhelming?

• Do you know how many times I’ve read the same fucking page in a book before I realized I’m still there?

• I am the MASTER procrastinator… and that I earned both of my masters degrees by waiting until the last minute on almost every single assignment? There is something about an urgent deadline that boosts my effort and focus.

• That I lost $2,100 in tuition because I brain farted and forgot to turn in an important proposal for my second master’s degree thesis…. MY FUCKING THESIS! I cried on my bed to my ex about it, ashamed at my error.

• The only college course I’ve failed was an EKG Reading course… I had a 98% in the class the whole time, then I forgot to take my final.

• I’ve started three businesses and failed to follow through with all of them, costing me thousands.

I have so many more stories like this I could tell… but I’m tired of focusing on how screwed up ADHD has made me… why don’t I tell you about all the GOOD that comes from it…

We are incredibly kind and thoughtful people. We’ll go the extra mile for you in the moment when you need it… but don’t expect a sustained effort. We’re creative, and can think of out of the box solutions to almost any situation. We’re expressive and funny and people love to be around us; we naturally gravitate into the center of attention without us wanting or trying. We’re adventurous people, and our lack of inhibition (which can be to our detriment) can lead us into some incredible experiences. I know so many facts that I bet you I could beat you in jeopardy. I know my randomness has allowed me to connect with so many people and do so many “once in a lifetime” things… in fact, the most common compliment I get from people is “what HAVEN’T you done or what CAN’T you do?”

… Concentrate… lol

I digress… we’re passionate, free-spirited, adventurous, and creative people. I see it as more of a super power than a hinderance, so long as I keep it in check. Much like Autism, they think ADHD is on a spectrum as well… similarly, those on that spectrum can have super powers too.

My partner, Megan, was the first one to approach me with this diagnosis in a compassionate, rather than accusatory, manner. The thing about all of this, is that partners who are not privy to ADHD think it’s some weakness of character or that they aren’t as important. That’s not always the case, as most of the time it’s our own minds sabotaging our lives… and we’re completely oblivious to it. But what I needed were people in my corner that wouldn’t cut and run. I needed them to want to understand me, help me seek help, and work with me… not try to change me. Having someone who wants to work WITH me has been liberating…Surprisingly, it’s more liberating to finally have someone confirm everything I’ve always suspected about myself.

I tow the line though. Part of me thinks it’s therapeutic to openly talk about how this affects my daily life, but like much of this blog I’m worried it’s exploitative. Although the overwhelming majority of folks appreciate how candid I am with my internal dialogue on self-doubt, figuring myself out, and re-inventing myself, I can’t help but wonder how many people take some form of pleasure out of my failings. It irritates me when people use me as the butt of a joke, mistaking my goofiness with the lack of intelligence or my care-free attitude with me being lazy when it’s the exact opposite. Makes me start to close myself off to people around me… Furthermore, it makes me wonder how many folks tune into my life so they can use it as some form of gossip… my suffering is not your entertainment. This may just be insecurity talking though.

I get irritated with comments like “oh you’re the poster child for ADHD.” There IS no poster child for this… it’s far too complex to pigeon hole and stereotype people. It makes me feel miffed in that if someone close to me sees something so obvious in me, then why the hell didn’t you approach me about it? Why let me spin the wheels on this hamster-wheel of life when you can help me? These are just some of the examples of things I struggle with more than the actual condition itself: how people support and see me.

It’s been a relief, nonetheless, to have a path forward. The very thing I always joked about having actually has a degree of truth to it… but then again, most humor does! I’ve been struggling with not just diving into every self-help book and making large, life changes to combat this… as I promised before, sometimes hyper focusing on fixing yourself makes you feel worse about yourself. Instead, I’m just learning to love this side of me, embrace the good parts, and make tiny life hacks to optimize myself so I can build the life I always wanted.

I’m not changing me… I am “optimizing” me. Big difference.