Moving On

This year has been full of terrifying things, all of which I have conquered. From jumping out of a plane (twice) to mine diving to moving to a new state to doing swift water rescue… I have definitely pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and have strengthened myself ten fold from February to now, but I now face the next chapter of terrifying feats: dating in the post-apocalyptic world of my heart.

In particular, there are two very scary things I have had to do: let someone go and open my heart for new love. This blog will continue to talk about growth, vulnerability, healing, and doing things that scare you but now we’re on a new chapter in this journey.

As I’ve said before, I wouldn’t move forward with anyone until I was completely ready, to be fair to them and to be fair to myself. Being that I myself was subjected to falling in love with someone who wasn’t completely done with their situation (unaware of it themselves) I hyper focused on ensuring that I didn’t do that to someone else unwittingly. There was a lesson to be learned between my ex and I, and it’s not “guard your heart so it’s never broken,” rather the lesson was “even if you think you’re 100% in with someone, triple check you’re solid on your triggers before you get tripped up by them.” You can only imagine how hard it’s been, to feel like my emotional parachute was good to go, only to pull the ripcord and go “shit… there’s a rip in the riser.” The panic, the dread, the fear one must feel to find yourself in an emotional free fall: I get it now. I triple check my system now before I take the plunge. It’s not fair to anyone I am in a relationship with to carry MY baggage; it’s my duty to take care of it first.

So I let go, out of love for myself, because at the end of the day I am deserving of love and she can’t give me what I need. I want a wife and family one day. I want a partner to build empires with, and crush this world… I deserve these things.

By letting go we create space for new love to grow. This brings me to the scary part… opening my heart back up (once I healed it of course). They say that the best way to get over someone is to get under them, and that mentality is ATROCIOUS. I tried dating many folks after my exes, and I found myself getting extremely gun shy at the prospect of being intimate with any of them. One woman, whom was so beautiful and had an amazing personality, but she had a child. The thought of bonding with another child and having that taken away again would crush me.

I stayed single for some time, not because I couldn’t get any (not to toot my own horn but I don’t struggle at all getting people) but because I had a lot of healing still to do. I had told myself that I wasn’t looking anymore, but focusing on the things that made me happy.

I’m telling you this folks… focus on yourself, do the things you love to do, and that energy will attract the people you need in your life. I knew this would happen when I started volunteering again, but it came from an unexpected place.

I poured my attention into the things that I found important and things bigger than myself.

Then along came Megan. Sweet, kind, bubbly, beautiful, compassionate Megan. The chemistry was there, but there was a degree of intimacy there that I couldn’t identify. She felt safe… like I could be vulnerable with her, without judgement. After the first date I knew it was different, but still I remained scared… outright terrified at times too. The true test was opening myself up, and showing my story to her… would she be scared? Would she think I was damaged goods? AM I damaged goods?

But she sees through my turbulent past and sees the content of my heart, not the collection of dents and dings along the way. She supports me as I heal myself, without trying to rescue me, which is important to me as I have to heal myself… I have to win this for me as I emotionally need this victory. I need to win it for the future of us.

So after being initially terrified to open up, I let her in, which is still scarier than jumping out of a plane. We squander our own joy, I’ve said that before, and it hit me weeks ago when I was talking to my buddy about this girl he is in love with that he was too afraid to get close to. Every time he’d get close, he’d put his wall up again and again for this girl whom we all saw was perfect for him. He didn’t do it maliciously… he did it because he’s afraid. I told him to stop squandering his own joy, and that he deserved to have a happy, healthy relationship that she was able to provide. He knew it too… deep down he always knew it, and I’m proud of him for the growth and healing he’s done in the wake of all of it. I realized I myself am squandering my own joy through the lens of his story.

I return to a quote that I used once before in this blog: “to truly love another person is to accept that the work of loving them is worth the pain of losing them.” Fortune and love favor the brave, so you have to take risks to have high rewards. I rolled the dice, and let Megan in.

I think I won big. 😊

I take the good parts of my past relationships with me; I make sure that I continue to utilize these best practices. I also look at all the lessons learned from my previous relationships. It would be unfair to our future partners to not be all in with them, or to carry our past traumas. No, Megan doesn’t deserve to carry that baggage too. I won’t subject her to that, why? Because I care about her. I want to do right by her. In the short time I have known her, I can see that she is worth that level of dedication and regard for her feelings, future, and dreams. She spends so much of her life helping others (she works as a counselor and case manager for the homeless) that the LAST person she needs to take care of is me.

I do not wish to criticize my ex anymore. It’s a waste of time and effort, nor is it healthy for me to constantly wade in the waters of what was done, angry about it all. In my new relationship, I am learning and applying this same thought process, where I want to ensure that I protect it at all costs. Most people think that protecting their relationship means the obvious threats: other people, ensuring your spend quality time with your significant other, etc… but a lot of protection involves getting to know YOU and what you do to sabotage those relationships. I did not know this until everything fell apart, and I am thankful for that lesson she taught me as it will make me a better partner for my new relationship.

I’m in it to win it.