Cookies
If I’m being honest, today I feel a little down. Not “crying on the floor listening to Evanescence” down but more like a “meh, I may skip breakfast and delay getting dressed” kind of blue. I know it’s fleeting and It’ll go away once I get my legs moving. That and Dan forced me to eat eggs and chorizo this morning (twisting my arm right there).
The other day I sold my RV travel trailer to an 83 year old man. I had 50 people interested in buying it and he was ready and raring to go. He showed up two hours early, which made me irked at first, until I met him in person and realized he was just a sweet old man looking for a place to stay until his house was fixed. My parents and I sat outside our house talking to this man, listening to his incredible story. I had told him my plans of traveling as well, and he told me to do it while I was young and he had the best adventures of his life. He traveled to China, went down to South America and taught fly fishing, went to New Zealand, jumped out of planes, made his own motorcycle (just a few years ago!), and traveled the United States so he could outline a butterfly pattern on the map. He raised nine girls, who all became successful. He was immensely proud of them. We talked about RV’s, tattoos, flying, parachuting, traveling, the mountains… a little bit of everything. He was an absolute sweetheart. I made sure I crossed my T’s and dotted my I’s on all the paperwork and am leaving little parts and supplies in the RV that I no longer need (fuses, hardware, towels, pillows, etc.). I just want to do right by this man.
He called me later that evening to let me know he got home, and talked my ear off again. I chatted with him and formed our plan to ensure everything was turned over properly and after I hung up my mom chimed in that it sounds like he now has a tenth daughter.
You know, social media has made it seem like we are so divided in this world… but the more I talk and interact with people the more I realize we’re a lot alike. As much as I bag on California City, I’ve struck up more conversations with friendly strangers here, Mojave, Randsburg, and other towns. Camarillo and Thousand Oaks I never got that interaction with perfectly good strangers. Absolutely loved those places but, there is a huge difference in peoples demeanor. This isn’t to say Ventura County isn’t friendly, but small town people are more cordial.
These interactions with people slowly fill my extroverted well, but once I go home and the lights turn off I’m still filled with a sadness I can’t shake. I wait for the sweet release of sleep every night where I know my dreams will take my far away from my problems.
In the meantime, I try to find happiness in the simplest pleasures: a warm cup of coffee, dressing up for work, going to get a drink in bar in the middle of nowhere, petting everyone’s dogs, etc., etc…. These things bring me contentment and slivers of happiness, but not joy.
What do you define as “joy”? When was the last time you felt true joy? The feeling seems so foreign to me right now. I know at some point I’ll find it again, but right now it seems like I’m trying to describe the color red to a blind person. One of the biggest questions I will try to answer during this cross country journey is what joy is.
I get a lot of folks telling me that this blog means a lot to them and provides them with comfort in knowing they aren’t the only ones that go through shit. They say it’s refreshing… their compliments ease my fear of being vulnerable. I’m often asked how and why I keep going and the simple answer to that is I have no other option but to. Yes, I’m still sad a lot of the times… but this is all a choice. When times get tough and I’m riddled with doubts regarding my self worth, I dig deep into my past experiences to give me that extra motivation to keep going.
In David Goggin’s book “Can’t Hurt Me” he mentions the concept of the “cookie jar.” He thought of the concept based off his past experiences as a child. Essentially, your cookie jar is comprised of experiences (both good and bad) that compel you to go forward. So on the days where I think I’m absolutely an unlovable, worthless human being I pull these little treats from my cookie jar and keep going.
My cookie jar would look a little like this:
I have helped make history by putting civilians into space.
I made it through an extremely haunting and very public workplace accident that affected all of us greatly and gave me the unfortunate experience needed to do the job I do today.
I saved a man’s life who went into full cardiac arrest in the middle of a bike race I was riding in. I was awarded the Search and Rescue Member of the Year Award for this.
I overcame an anxiety disorder and fought through it to earn my undergrad degree.
I have four college degrees, of which my two masters degrees were 4.0’s, which is incredible seeing as I had less than a 2.5 GPA in high school and never got accepted to a four year institution.
I started my career making a measly 16 dollars an hour and now am in an amazing place financially.
I was tried and tested at my dream career where I had to sit back and take repeated shots to my chin from poor leadership choices.
The little thank you’s and hugs I’ve gotten over the years from my patients and co-workers for helping them out when they needed it the most.
The outreach from people who tell me I inspire them every day.
The moment my ex’s son mimicked one of my ‘isms’ or sat at the kitchen table with me crying about his heart break or the time he learned to make a fire with me in the backyard.
These are examples of my cookie jar. I think about how someone wouldn’t have had their grandpa. I think about how I treated people with dignity and human decency during their worst moments. I think about how I’ve brought peace of mind to families who’s loved ones perished. I think about the little girls in the many schools I’ve done public speaking events at that who will now follow careers in aviation because they saw me speak.
I know that despite my faults and all my hardships that I have done many things right. I don’t know when I will find joy again, if I’m being honest… but for now I’ll keep digging in this jar.
