Canadians and Christmas and COVID, Oh My!

Over Christmas break, I had the most profound experience that shaped me so deeply…

… I kid. As I said in the previous blog, not all adventures are sexy. Similarly, not all adventures have grandiose lessons to be learned, but can simply be an exercise in patience and fun.

I’ve always found the holidays to be unnecessarily stressful for no damn reason. We fret over being able to see everyone, getting the right gift, and forcing ourselves to be jolly when we really aren’t. The holidays have historically been difficult for me… getting COVID whilst being thousands of miles away from home was no walk in the park. Fortunately, I’m vaccinated, so although I had minimal protection from Omicron my symptoms were just uncomfortable and inconvenient at most. Ten days later, the only issue I have is a nagging dry cough and some brain fog.

I’ve been wanting to blog a lot more, but I haven’t been for a bunch of reasons, of which I’ll dabble upon…

Last month we celebrated Megan’s birthday by camping in Texas, which was a wonderful experience. Disconnecting from society, waking up to a beautiful sunrise over the lake, freezing our assess off around a fire, and eating food out of a can has this therapeutic way of balancing me. We made campfire hot toddies, French press coffee, and Dutch oven meals. I knocked the dust off a bunch of my camping gadgets and got to work setting up camp while Megan and Stephanie got more firewood and other essentials. I loved it… life was simple… the only thing I had to think about was keeping the fire going to keep us comfortable when the temperature dropped below freezing. No worries about silly social media bullshit, no hyper focus on my flaws, no work projects, no distractions… perfect. Later that day we walked through the woods, made friends with some people-friendly cows, and coordinated a group dance number as we hopped along the decomposed granite and streams. The quiet of the woods was interrupted by the thundering sound of the biggest buck I’ve ever seen bounding through the woods at us (I had reached for my handgun thinking in was a boar, but the deer quickly darted the other way once he saw us). It made my heart race, in a good way.

In this solitude, I thought deeply about why I hadn’t been writing as much except the occasional personal diary writing.

*****

I related to Halsey’s song called “Control,” although rumor has it that she wrote it about her experience with being bipolar (although that is something I most definitely am not).

I'm bigger than my body
I'm colder than this home
I'm meaner than my demons
I'm bigger than these bones

I’ve struggled with bouts of sorrow my whole life, feelings of inadequacy, and fear that people are being disingenuous with me. It is both a strength and a weakness to care so much, and my insatiable desire to improve myself actually harms me in many ways. This is why I always found this song so relatable… as I constantly remind myself that I am in control, I am meaner than my own demons, and that I can overcome the biggest hurdles I’ll ever face: my own self doubt.

Continuous self improvement can make us hyper vigilant to our own shortcomings. Slowly, shame starts to creep in… “am I irrational? Am I bipolar? Am I a narcissist?”

Truth be told, I, like many of you, are none of those things. Labels like “bipolar” and “narcissist” are thrown around so much when those are legitimate personality disorders that require extensive treatment. Haphazardly throwing those labels at people just because they exhibit behavior that we find displeasing actually makes it harder for those who have those conditions to seek the help they deserve. I know this last year I had moments where I acted abnormal… which is conversely a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. The only “normal” thing about what I went through was that it was that it was all deeply human in nature. Otherwise, it was so far out of the realm of predictability and rationality that it was nearly impossible to know what outcomes were on the horizon. 

I took a break ultimately because over thinking actually can be detrimental. As Alan Watts said “a person who thinks all the time, has nothing to think about except thoughts… and so he lives in a world of illusions.” In other words, we spend so much time rehearsing what ifs, future interactions, and contingencies that we fail to live in the present. We make up illusions… and false future realities. We become a self-fulfilling prophecy, which can be both a good or a bad thing. 

That we set expectations that will never be met. We determine our fate before we ever come to it. Even worse, we create narratives that drive our emotions, which drive our physiological responses. Taking a break from hyper focusing on my defects actually gave me a chance to physically heal from this year. 

And I am not my thoughts… I am only the thinker of the thoughts. I know, a hard concept to conjure. 

So I turned my brain off for a bit. I got into a new relationship, and instead of obsessing over breaking myself down and fixing myself I just pressed pause and enjoyed the present moment. I let Megan accept me for the current state I was in, which was liberating to be chosen just how I am.

No pressure to become someone I’m not.

No expectations of change.

Nothing to tie me to a future that I couldn’t conform to. 

Just… having fun in each others company.

It’s been a great feeling… enjoying the fruits of my labor. 

But now I’m planning on other cool adventures. Things that make me uncomfortable, things that make me scared, things that let me feel connected to humanity, things that let me see how powerful my mind is, and things that let me give/receive love. But I’m open to suggestions! 

*****

Prior to arriving in Canada, the only other county I had ever been to was Mexico (except Texas, which I count as it’s own country) and I had NEVER flown to a foreign country before. Needless to say I was a bit nerve wracked, especially since I had to nail certain COVID testing requirements in order to gain entry into Canada (I spent Christmas Eve chasing a PCR test). Driving to California with my pups, I spent Christmas with the family which was great. My parents had found a litter of kittens in their backyard, so much of the break was spent playing with them and pulling them out of the Christmas tree. I brought my dirt bike out, and after spending Christmas Eve watching JP pull my whole motor apart to get the gummy gas out of my carb, I was able to spend an afternoon ripping through my old stomping grounds. Between working in JP’s garage with my brother, and making Christmas cookies with their daughter and Bre, I had an amazing Christmas Eve.

Two days later, my dad dropped me off at the airport and I was on my way to Canada to spend time with Megan and her family. The original plan was to ski Banff, but with the temperature reaching -30F, it was decided that we would hold up in Calgary and enjoy the shops and local foods.

Our plans were dashed by COVID (damn Omicron…), so wandering around wasn’t in the equation until we could confirm that we weren’t contagious. Once we were cleared of actively being infected, we strolled through coffee and thrift shops in the cold Calgary afternoon.

I have never experienced anything colder than -12 degrees… but our time there was anywhere from -40 to 1F. To take the dog potty, we had to dress up like we were going for a space walk; my eyelashes froze over within 10 minutes. We stayed indoors mostly, drinking Ice Wine and other spirits while snuggling up by the fire. Yeah, I didn’t get the full Canadian experience (save for eating Tim Hortons and poutine) but hanging out with Megan’s family playing games and reading books was the best time. I’ll cherish this Christmas forever.

The things I’ve learned about Canada:

-it’s fascinating to see things in French as a second language when you’ve grown up around English and Spanish.
-Canadians truly are the nicest people on the planet.

-Currency in Canada is simple: it’s all loonies, twoonies, and dollars. So much easier than trying to pay for stuff in Mexico where there’s a language barrier too.

-Poutine is just ok.

-Shoveling snow is bullshit. It’s more efficient to use a blower.

-Your car might not start because it’s so cold.

-Sour cream donuts are delicious.

-People who think the US is oppressive about their COVID laws have no idea how strict Canada is.

We escaped Canada with a negative antigen test just to get to California in time to pop positive. This took a huge damper on our plans as this was the first time Megan would meet my parents and brothers. We isolated in my parents fancy RV, where they brought us food and kittens to play with. Megan and I spent our first New Years, drinking Champagne and Dayquil, while binging Netflix. Honestly, it was a great New Years. I was still able to show Megan where I grew up, the deserts I roamed, and the Dutch-Cleaner Mine.

Feeling crummy while transporting two dogs, a dirt bike, our stuff, and a kitten from California to Texas was less than stellar though. Those last two days in the car I was an absolute asshole, as the lack of sleep and the inability to breathe got on my nerves. Speaking of which, every sound and every light almost seemed brighter and more amplified due to being sick, which I found to be odd… but the night we rolled into Houston I found myself asleep for 14 hours in my own bed.

Traveling to another country via plane is stressful enough, but add covid to the mix and it’s like rocket surgery. Now that I’ve done it once though, it’ll be much easier to do it again when we return to Canada in the spring.